PARENT SUPPORT for Child Sexual Abuse

PARENTING CHILDREN SURVIVING SEXUAL ABUSE

by

Michael V. Merrick, MS, LMSW

Betsy Allen, MA, LMSW



Introduction

Research shows that, generally speaking, abused children respond to their experiences in way that are extreme and difficult for parents to handle.  Although there are individual differences in behavior some common responses have been noted.

.

For example, some children become withdrawn when they are abused.  They tend to hide and they don't like to make physical or eye contact with anyone.  They don't play, they don't laugh and they don't move around a lot.  They look depressed.  These children sometimes act like babies, sucking their thumbs or rocking themselves.  They may complain of stomach pains or headaches.  They may also hurt themselves, for example, cutting or scratching themselves until they bleed.  They may have trouble sleeping or have nightmares.  They may also have eating disorders.

On the other hand, some abused children respond aggressively.  They kick, bite, or punch.  Instead of hurting themselves, these children may hurt others and they may also destroy property.  They fight constantly and are very difficult to control.  They always appear to be angry.

Another response that has been observed in abused children is that they may have a "spaced out" far-away look.  When these children become afraid or confused, they are often able to pretend that they are not there anymore.  This is a very complicated psychological process called dissociation.  Children who have been sexually abused often talk about not being inside their bodies, but rather describe floating on the ceiling and looking down.  This dissociation makes the sexual abuse experience harder to remember.  Along similar lines, some children who are abused can put parts of their bodies to sleep, so that they do not feel the pain.  While these responses are difficult to understand, they do occur, and it helps to know about them if one is going to help abused children.

One last behavior is worth mentioning.  Sexualized behavior has been noted in some sexually abused children.  Because they have been taught to be sexual, they may act in sexual ways with other people, adults and children.  Most adults do not know how to respond to this behavior.  Be sure to set appropriate limits, but to set them in a gentle way.  Do not ignore or punish the child for this type of behavior.  It is not the child's fault.  If the child touches your genitals, tries to give you a long kiss, or touches his or her own private parts, make simple statements" Say, for example, "It's not okay for you to touch the private parts of my body and I won't touch yours, or "I can see that you want to get my attention, and there are other ways to do so" (and give examples).  These simple statements set limits on their behavior that is not okay, while at the same time giving the child ways to express their feelings.

One of the most common lessons that abused children learn is that people who love you, hurt you.  Children who begin to feel cared about may expect to be hurt again, and this may make them feel vulnerable and afraid.  In addition, abused children often suffer from low self-esteem.  These children must be given new messages about who they are and what they have to offer.  Whenever possible they should be given a chance to do things for themselves.  It is important for the parent to reward and compliment chidlren for the things they do well.  Having a parent who is supportive and protective of the child surviving sexual abuse is key to a positive prognosis and successful future.  The purpose of this article is to give parents general information on how the sexually abused child may percieve their world and to give the parent practical suggestions to assist the child surviving sexual abuse.

The World of the Sexually Abused Child

In order to assist children who have been sexually abused, parents need to be aware of the messages children recieve in the in the environments in which they were sexually victimized.  Obvious messages include:

Children are suppose to please adults

Children please adults when they behave in a sexual way

Children are not allowed to talk about the sexual things that happen

Children's feelings do not count

Children are powerless

The world is a frightening place

Adults have the right to do whatever they want to children

If adults do not get what they want, they  may abandon or hurt children

Parents do not protect children

Children can not feel or express their feelings.  These perceptions need to be disrupted by giving the child surviving abuse the opportunity to live and thrive in an environment void of abuse and exploitation.  It is only through the experience of living in a healthy family environment that children unlearn the destructive messages of earlier life and begin to grasp how a healthy family can function.  Hopefully, through parental support, along with professional intervention when necessary, the sexually abused child will internalize new messages such as:

Adults meet their needs with other adults, not children

Adults do not use children to get their needs met

Children can be children, not substitute adults

No one in the family uses force or bribery to get children to do things

Adults take care of children;  Children do not have to take care of adults

Everyone's feelings count; It is okay to talk about our feelings

Sexuality is okay; It is different for adults and children

Some behaviors are appropriate in private but not in public

Are all Children affected Equally by Child Sexual Abuse?

There is a myth that all children who have been sexually abused are "damaged goods" and that the damage is for life.  In fact, with guidance and support a child who has experienced sexual abuse can certainly recover and go on to live a happy, successful life with loving and trusting relationship.  However, there are many factors which influence the extent of the child's trauma and subsequent healing process.  Some of these are:

The age of the child when the abuse began

Children abused very early in life may carry body or sensory memories of the abuse, but will not have the words to express their rage.  One adult survivor of sexual abuse figured out, with the help of therapy, that the reason she became sexually stimulated when she heard and felt a room fan was because a fan had always been on when she was being molested as a child.  Children who are abused pre-pubescent, during the time

when their sexuality is emerging, may carry greater effects of the abuse.

The relationship of the primary perpetrator to the child

A child's trust of his/her primary caretaker is central to their relationship. Therefore,
when abuse occurs in this context, the betrayal is intensified.


How long the abuse occurred.

The longer the abuse occurred, the more likely the victim is to feel that he/she should
have been able to stop it and thus he or she feels more "guilty."


Whether there was violence involved

In most cases where the abuse included violence or potential violence (that is, the
victim was made to understand that without cooperation there would be violence) the
child will have experienced additional trauma and therefore damage to his/her
development


The social system available to the child at the time of abuse

The child who had someone to tell about the abuse will suffer less than the child who
had no one to tell. And even in some cases where the support system is available, the
child may choose not to tell for fear of the consequences. For example, the child may
think, "If I tell my father that my brother is abusing me and he believes me, then my
father may do something drastic like hurt my brother or send me to jail." When
children reveal their secrets, the response of adults will vary. It is important to stay as
calm as possible so as not to further traumatize the child. The rage you may feel is
natural, but the child may perceive that it is directed at him or her. The child needs a
safe, supportive atmosphere in which to talk. Children also benefit enormously from
hearing that this has happened to other children, male and female.


Ego development of the child at the time of the abuse

If the child has a firmly established concept of his or her sexual identity, the abuse
will have less impact. Children who are abused by a same sex perpetrator often have
deeply felt fears about whether this means they are homosexual. One way in which
parents can help allay this fear is to explain that our bodies have many nerve endings.
If these nerve endings are stimulated, they will react. For example, if a bright light
hits your eyes, your first response will be to blink or to shade them from the light. A
simple concept to use with children is that of tickling. If a child is ticklish, he or she
will laugh when tickled. It does not matter whether the person tickling is male or
female; the child is reacting to the experience. If the perpetrator is of the opposite
sex, questions of identity may also come into play. For example a boy who is abused
by a woman and is not aroused, may doubt his masculinity. If he is aroused
physically, but not emotionally, he may equally doubt his masculinity. The same
identity issues for girls may hold true. If the child has a positive self-concept, that is,
if he or she feels valued at the time the abuse occurred, there will be fewer
repercussions. In fact, children with good self-esteem are more likely to feel they can
say no and/or tell someone about the abuse.

Helping Children

As concerned adults, we want to protect children from sexual abuse, but we can't
always be there to do that. We can, however, teach children about sexual abuse in
order to increase their awareness and coping skills. Without frightening children, we
can provide them with appropriate safety information and support at every stage of
their development.

We can provide personal safety information to children in a matter- of-fact way, with
other routine safety discussions about fire, water, health, etc. Although even the best
educated child cannot always avoid sexual abuse, children who are well prepared will
be more likely to tell you if abuse has occurred. This is a child's best defense.

In order to protect children, teach them:

To feel good about themselves and know they are loved, valued and deserve to be
safe
The difference between safe and unsafe touches
The proper names for all body parts, so they will be able to communicate clearly
That safety rules apply to all adults, not just strangers
That their bodies belong to them and nobody has the right to touch them or hurt them
That they can say "no" to requests that make them feel uncomfortable--even from a
close relative or family friend
To report to you if any adult asks them to keep a secret
That they can rely on you to believe and protect them if they tell you about abuse
That they are not bad or to blame for sexual abuse
To tell a trusted adult about abuse even if they are afraid of what may happen

If a child trusts you enough to tell you about an incident of sexual abuse, you are in an
important position to help that child recover. The following suggestions can help you
provide positive support.
Do:

Keep calm. It is important to remember that you are not angry with the child, but at
what happened. Children can mistakenly interpret anger or disgust as directed
towards them.

Believe the child. In most circumstances children do not lie about sexual abuse.

Give positive messages such as "I know you couldn't stop it," or "I'm proud of you for
telling."

Explain to the child that he or she is not to blame for what happened.

Listen to and answer the child's questions honestly.

Respect the child's privacy. Be careful not to discuss the abuse in front of people who
do not need to know what happened.

Be Responsible. Report the incident to the Department of Human Services or to the
police. They can help protect the child's safety and provide resources for further help.

Arrange a medical exam. It can reassure you and the child that there has been no
permanent physical damage and may verify important evidence.

Get help. Get competent professional counseling, even if it's only for a short time.

Don't:

DON’T Panic or overreact when the child talks about the experience. Children need
help and support to make it through this difficult time.

DON’T Pressure the child to talk or avoid talking about the abuse. Allow the child to
talk at her or his own pace. Forcing information can be harmful. Silencing the child
will not help her or him to forget.>b>

DON’T Confront the offender in the child's presence. The stress may be harmful.
This is a job for the authorities.

DON’T Blame the child. SEXUAL ABUSE IS NEVER THE CHILD'S FAULT!!!