PARENT REACTIONS
To the Disclosure-
The following is a description of the grief observed in most parents who have experianced the disclosure of their childs sexual abuse. These progressive stages apply only to non-offending parental reactions.
1) Denial- It is a normal reaction for any parent to have some amount of denial when first hearing the highly emotional news that their young child was sexually abused. Over time as more facts unfold and conversations occur about the abuse, denial usually gives way to the next stage of grief.
2) Anger- Once parental acceptance of at least some of the facts suurounding the sexual abuse has begun, anger will follow. This anger could be directed towards the perpatrator, the child or the parent (self blame). This anger includes a realization of the losses that the parent will face as a secondary victim of their child's sexual abuse. Non-offending parents appear to suffer more losses. For example, if the perpatrator is a stepparent or live-in partner, he/she would likely be asked to leave the home and as a result the non-offending parent faces loss of companionship and finances.
3) Bargining- Parents move from anger to a bargaining stage as greater acceptance of the sexual abuse occurs. Parent's now accept the fact that the abuse happened but begin to struggle with the level of impact the sexual abuse had on the child and family and their need for recovery. Bargaining occurs when parents look and hope for a fast and less painful recovery. In doing so they may try to minimize the impact of the sexual abuse and unintentionally give messages that it will just go away.
4) Depression or Sadness- Both are normal responses to serious changes suddenly forced upon one's life. As parents move through this stage they come to realize the extent of changes and the degree of impact on the child and family resulting from the abuse. Parents in this stage acknowlege that recovery could be a long term process and that the sexual abuse is not going to go away. Non-offending parents appear to experiance the effects of this stage to a greater degree than parents of extrafamilial sexual abuse.
5) Acceptance- Parents who enter this stage are accepting of the facts and the impact of the sexual abuse. Recovery and healing processes are no longer feared by the parents. Parents in this final stage realize and acknowlege that their child and family can survive their losses, changes and recovery process. They have found a "hope" for their future!
To the Child
When a child discloses their sexual abuse, it is important to remember that the parents reaction will play a very large part in how the child will cope with and ultimately heal from their sexual abuse! Ideally a parent should respond in a matter of fact, calm voice. This helps the child feel that the parent is in control and will help them survive their csa experiance. It is of utmost importance that the child be believed and their experiances acknowleged. If for some reason there is doubt as to the validity of a childs disclosure, it should be kept quiet until all the facts are known. The most harmful reaction would be for a parent to express doubt or disbelief of a childs disclosure. Rarely does a child lie about sexual abuse,( personally, I would say NEVER does a child lie). However, when a child recants their disclosure it usually is because they feel what they have said was not accepted or believed by the hearer. When disbelief is expressed by a non-offending parent the child is sure to feel pressured and often recants. Less often, children "take back" their disclosures for other reasons, such as, the perpatrator denies the childs disclosure or because the child is being repeatedly questioned by law enforcement, child protection workers and others involved in the disclosure and lastly when disbelief is expressed by significant others in the childs life such as siblings or extended family members.
A parent may find it necessary to reduce further stress by limiting the child's contact with others who are not supportive or believing of their sexual abuse. It may be necessary to cease contact with them all together, depending on personal circumstances.
Through support and reassurance a child begins to feel that they have been believed. A child must be told how sorry a parent feels that this horrible thing has happened to them. They need to know how proud their parents are for the courage they've shown by "telling". It must be stated that the perpatrator had NO right to touch them in the way that they did and that the child is NOT to blame for anything that happened or will happen after their disclosure. Children need to be reassured that they are safe and that the perpatrator can no longer abuse them. Parents must excercise extreme caution so as not to make false promises. This often occurs in cases of disputed incest and custody cases. Failure to keep promises of protection will only add to a child's feelings of helplessness.
Parents can have the tendency to want to lessen their child's painful feelings by minimizing the seriousness of the situation or event. Sexually abused children need to have acceptance of their feelings, whatever they are. Acknowleging a child's pain or fear shows acceptance and validates that you are listening!
It is important that parents resist the urge to treat the child differently. If this happens, and it often does, it may give the child validity in thinking they are different and even damaged because of thier abuse. Parental reactions of guilt, such as, "I should've known", may lead to overprotection. Overprotection can send the message to the child that they will not recover from his/her experiance. As much as possible, keeping to daily routines and reducing the amount of change in their lives will bring comfort to the child.
When a disclosure is made, a report to law enforcement or child protection should be made IMMEDIATELY! It is helpful to talk to the child about the involvement of these professionals. It is best to be truthful with the child about whatever "unknowns" you now face, reassuring them that everything will be ok and that whatever happens you will face it together!