Tink and Family
I can't tell you the day my children's life fell apart. I can only start where I heard the truth from my children. So this is where I will begin...
I was invited to a birthday party for a friend of mine. I thought after staying home with the babies, it would be a good thing for me to take some time and get out. I took my sister with me and we left the children with her husband. My children had been in bed long before they had arrived. My boys were asleep in their room on the first floor. I checked on them quickly before leaving, they were fast asleep. It's important to tell you how old our children were at this time. Our oldest daughter was 12 yrs, our next daughter was only 5 yrs, our oldest son just 3 1/2 yrs and our youngest was around 2 yrs at the time. As my sister and I got ready to leave, my 5 yr old came running down the stairs from her room. She said, "mommy don't go...it is too far for you to go!" Hind sight tells me she was saying "mom don't leave, I am afraid!" At the time, I believed she was mad because I was going out, something I never did. I told her that I would be back in two hours. I asked if she would prefer to sleep in my room and she agreed. My room was on the first floor as well as the boys room.
My sister and I left thinking, "all is well", as we would be back shortly. We were gone the expected two hours. Like any parent, I went into check on the kids, C, my 5 yr old was not in my room. I assumed she went back to her own. I noticed that my oldest daughter must have gone to bed before our arrival home. Then I went into the boys room. N, our 3 1/2 yr old was up waiting for me. I was surprised, given the fact he had been sleeping when I left. As soon as I walked into the room he started talking as fast as he could. He informed me that while I was gone, his uncle removed my youngest from the crib as he slept and placed him on the floor. His uncle then pulled off the baby's diaper as well as his own pants!! N watched over the side of his headboard. He informed me that the baby was crying the whole time and his uncle didn't even care that he was hurting him so badly!! I ran into the kitchen where my sister and her husband were talking as they got their things together. I started YELLING!! My sister had NO idea what I was saying, hell, I don't even remember what I was saying! I picked their baby up and handed it to her as I told them to "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Other than that, I don't remember much about that conversation. I went back to my sons room where he shared the whole story of what he had seen. My yelling had caused the baby to wake up and he also shared what he could which backed up what his older brother had already said. I told my older son how brave he was for telling me and how proud I was of him, he was our HERO! I took the baby (my biggest mistake) and bathed him. I found a pubic hair on him and rug burns all over his back!! I was so repulsed, I got rid of the hair as fast as I could. I changed him into clean jammies and put him back to bed. (I never saved the hair, nor took pictures of his burns.) At the time I was just so shocked and wanting to erase any sign of my son being touched, to make him feel clean and safe.
I called a therapist, the woman my husband and I had been seeing for couples therapy. I left a message for her, as it was now VERY late, to call me ASAP. During this time, I checked on the girls and they were both still sleeping.
Over the next day or so more information came out. It became known that for C, our 5 yr old and N, our 3 1/2 yr old, the abuse had been going on for a long time. They could not put a time frame on it, so we went by events in our lives. It seemed that this had been going on since they were all babies. We questioned our oldest daughter that same evening. She gave her version of being creeped out by him and how she watched him go from one side of the house to the other and in one room and then into another. He was abusing my youngest daughter in my bedroom while our oldest was in the living room watching tv, but she still noticed his movements around the house. During the two hours we were gone he had orally and digitally raped my daughter, abused my baby and threatened my other son with trouble if he told. Since my boy saw his brother being abused, that was the last straw for him. N said it was bad, but ok when he was doing it to him, but when he made the baby cry too it was not ok anymore and he HAD to tell!...that is how the disclosure started....
Both of the boys were abused, my older one being abused since as long as he could remember. Many of the things he shared with us and eventually with this therapist were horrendous!! He was raped not only as you would think, but, also with bottles and other items as well. My daughter (5) disclosed thru her brother for she was afraid of certain time frames. That brought us to the conclusion as to when this started for her. Now my oldest swore that she did not remember anything about him and touching her, but she also said that she doesn't remember much about her childhood (first clue).
The perpatrator was charged with seven counts and they dropped all but two, then they only sentenced him to 5-7 years served.
Personal CSA Experiances From LACE
I was raised in a loving home with no domestic violence or sexual abuse. I rarely thought of CSA unless I read of it in the newpapers etc. This happens to others, not in my family was in my mind. But, it did happen in my family. CSA came crashing into my life! I will not go into the details here of the discovery, but to say that I was the one to discover it. My world was turned upside down!!
I was thrown into a nightmare, one I did not know exhisted or how to deal with. I turned to all the supposedly correct agencies for help. Then came for me "the great awakening" and my continued education started. I found there was to be no justice in the courts for small children, even with physical evidence available! I found the social services and mental health services lacking. There were no support groups available. The funds for inpatients mental health services allotted a fixed amount and when those funds depleted, the answer was, "so sorry, funds are all gone for this fiscal year." So, what happens to children who are abused in June and not in January?!! Nothing, is the answer. I found the laws for sexual offenders and sexual predators to be lax, different from court to court and state to state.
This was 18 years ago when I started screaming for change in all areas of CSA!! I am still fighting for this "cause" in any avenue I can find and will continue until I meet my Maker! I work against CSA in my community, state and on a federal level. Over the years some things have improved for CSA victims and their families. But, not nearly enough to make our children's world safe for them.
It besieges all of us to be valiant and protect our most prized treasures, our children, who are our future. Please add your voice to the cries for justice we "hear" from the many abused/or dead children (lost to us, all too soon!). Support a change in laws and improvement in victims programs.
Giving help and support to others on site promotes healing for us all. We welcome you here with us . Thank You! LACE
Sarasmommy's "Short Version"
I'm a mother and recent grandmother to 5 children/1 grandson. My oldest son was a victim of child molestation at his school in which the school was aware and did nothing. I brought a lawsuit on the school district and they offered to settle out of court to which I turned down because it was never about the money. Instead we agreed to more education/bullying posters in school. Most recently its been brought to my attention that my youngest son, who is now 6, has been sexually molested by his father. CPS has been involved. We have been to more experts than I ever thought I'd have to...The experts all have been unable to find "real evidence"....other than my sons statements! We've been forced into allowing his perp to visit again, UNSUPERVISED OVERNIGHTS!! Until there is "physical" evidence or an "eye witness", nothing will happen to his father....the perp!!!!
The system is terribly broken, that much I have learned while dealing with a small child whose not believed by the "system" which exisits to protect him!!
Akcangels...Breanna's Family
Hello! For those of you who don't know me, my name is Breanna. I have 2 beautiful daughters from a previous relationship, A who is 7 years old and K who is 4 years old. I am remarried to the most wonderful man and together we have a 9 month old son, C.
Our story begins in August of 2006 when K started saying and doing things that a 2, almost 3 year old shouldn't. She was already in therapy when, on the first of September, she disclosed. For those who are not aware, sexual offenders are master manipulators and my ex was no exception. He knew that K was acting out because I had asked him about it many times. K had disclosed that her dad was sexually abusing her. She also said, "my daddy says we have to beat up J, (my husband), because he touches my vagina". We all knew that my ex was coaching her to say these things. It was reported to CPS and we did an interview with the Child Advocacy Center. K was only 2 at the time and couldn't speak very well. They concluded that there was not enough "evidence" to bring charges against him. My ex and I were divorced in January of 2006 and went through a pretty nasty custody battle. In the end I "won" and my ex was ordered to get therapy.
I had to let my babies go back and see "dad" unsupervised and their abuse got worse! The 2nd time K disclosed was in February of 2006. Thank GOD we had enough "evidence" from her disclosures and we filed civil charges against him!! This enabled us to get a dependency, a neglect and a protective order against him.
That is pretty much where we are at right now, continuing to deal with court dates and interactional assessments. Our County Attorney is a Bozo. He's been trying to make deals with my ex to get the girls to change therapists. The ex has to get therapy for "issues" stemming from HIS child sexual abuse experiances, but doesn't have to get sex offender specific treatment for himself?! We've been fighting both my ex and the County Attorney in this regard and so far have come out a little ahead. The court appointed psychologist agrees with me and will testify that the girls should NOT change therapists. It seems to have been a never ending battle, a battle for my children's lives....one I will NOT give up on....I will fight to keep them safe to my last breath.....
These have been my thoughts for the last year and a half!! I try not to let them "take over" and get me down....So now, I pretty much just try to make the steps in our legal proceedings take as long as possible....and wait....in terror and pain....wondering what all of these "justice" people are going to try and make my precious children do next. When your children are sexually abused, it seems like you are no longer their mother.....you have no right to make any decisions regarding their lives....as if you are only their babysitter!!! When will it ever end?!!!......I don't know, but I will NEVER give up!
So that is our story, in a nutshell, it is long...but TRUE. Thank you for "listening", I needed to VENT just a little bit....those who read....feel free to do the same!!!! Lots of Love, Breanna
Ani's Story
It started May 19th 2003 at 12:11 AM. My life as I had known it, would be forever
changed. I had just flown in from a seminar in San Francisco. My purpose for the trip, was more to tell my employee (and best friend) that I planned on cutting way back, perhaps even leaving my business, because my husband and I had decided we were going to reunite. We had decided that we had made a huge mistake, that we loved each other. He was to move home the day after I arrived.
The minute I landed I had this urgent need to get home fast, even passing the restaurant that had become a tradition to stop at on the way home. I had intended on spending the night at my husbands apratment, where my daughter had stayed during my trip, but when I arrived I just wanted to go home.
I was sitting at my desk when I heard, "Mom, I need to talk to you about something that is bothering me." I told her to come and talk to me. She replied by saying, "No mom, I know you are tired, it can wait. "I said, "I am never too tired to talk to you about something that is bothering you...come on over here."
She sat in front of me, and said, "Mom, I am not sure what to do, I know what I have to say is going to change everything and there will be consequence." I felt a chill...and said "Honey, always take the road of the truth, it's okay." Her next words were my nightmare! "Mom, Papi has been doing things that he should not be doing!!" She went on to tell me her father had been abusing her sexually. (He was actually her step-father...but had raised her from an infant...she did not know he was not her bio father at the time.
I am not sure how I made it throught those first moments. I told her that I believed her...and she did NOTHING wrong! I held her, and told her that she had done the right thing in telling me. That I was so sorry that this had happened. That in no way was this her fault, and she has nothing to be ashamed of. I told her how much I loved her, and how very proud I was to have her as my daughter.
I waited till she fell asleep, and went down to confront my husband. I was WILD. He opened the door, and said, "My God, what is the matter? Look at your eyes!!" I truly looked like a wild animal. I can completely relate to those who pass that line. I was right there, and knew it, I kept saying in my head, "Your daughter needs you, don't kill him." This happened approx 2 AM. By the next morning he ws gone. Left the state.
They were extremely close. He was definately her favorite. A Daddy's girl all the way!!!! This would end up causing very complicated issues later. Her feelings of missing and loving him vs. her feelings of betrayal. EVERYONE loved him. He was a wonderful husband and father. Held respect in the community. The LAST person anyone would ever think would do such a thing. WELL...he did. Then it seems like the flood gates opened. As the word got out...more disclosures.
I can not even put into words the devastation and agony this caused. The betrayal. It changed everything. My daughter was just reeling. My happy and healthy daughter was now throwing up her food (Bulimic), scratching herself till she drew blood (self mutilation), a straight A student, was about to fail....and had to go to summer school to pass the grade. My baby that always had or house full with friends, now isolated herself....Problems sleeping at night....sleeping all day....crying...on and on. My health went into a talk spin. My liver started to fail. I ended up giving up my lucrative businesses. Packing our clothes...and moving. The depression, overwhelming. I had never understood when people "lost it". I do now. I remember one night when I kept saying over and over...hold on...just hold on till morning. That is when I found a support group on the internet. I posted at 4:30 AM...and a wonderful man answered within minutes. He held my hand till the sun came up. THANK YOU QUEBEC...YOU SAVED ME!!!!
It has been 3 years. I can tell you I have been through MANY stages. Please know, that even if it doesn't seem like it today....THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
ALL lemons have the possibility to make lemonade. Today, my daughter and I have a very special bond. One I do not see often. She knows....without a doubt that her mother loves her. I might not have done it all right. When I look back, with the knowledge that I have now, there are things I would have done differently....But the important thing....is that my daughter KNOWS...that her mom loves her...and did EVERYTHING that she knew to do. So even if it wasn't perfect...it WAS!!! For she also now understands, that love does not have to have conditions. That I will always be there for her....through thick and thin.
My reward...she trusts. After 3 years, finally she shows me that she trusts. For so long, she wouldn't let me touch her, she wouldn't open up about her feelings. I stuck it out, sometimes I just wanted to scream (MANY times I DID), but she is my baby. I earned her trust. Today, I have a well adjusted, straight A student...who is cuddly and love her mom. People notice this bond. It is something very special. It is the lemonade that we made from this lemon we were served!
A special Thank You to Ani for allowing me to include her family's experiances! I've known her for nearly six years and I know both she and her beautiful daughter have moved on with their lives...both are doing well!....CSA is but a memory...a small part of who they've become! May all who read her words someday drink lemonade....sweet, cold and refreshing lemonade!